Saturday, July 17, 2010

beach

We're leaving today for a week at the beach. I've had a cleansing so to speak - went through hell and now I'm moving on. The house is still not finished and still has a long way to go, but that's OK, it'll be better when we get back. It's funny because we went on our dream vacation to Italy in April, and I thought it was symbolic being Easter and all - I thought I'd be reborn so to speak and have a new beginning when we returned. And I guess that's what God had in mind too! I definitely have a new beginning and new outlook on things, just had to get squeezed through a small tight opening into the other side. It's funny, I use the analogy of a bellows, the old-fashioned thing you use to fan a fire, in my voice lessons. I explain that a singer must apply a lot of pressure through a narrow opening and have it focused and strong and supported. The note must be able to travel across the room and reach its destination, as if it had a propeller on the back-side of it, moving it forward. And so it is with life. In order to get to where I want to be, I have to use energy and focus that energy. Sometimes it seems difficult and it gets tiring, but with enough practice, it eventually gets easier. I like the quote "when you're going through hell, keep on going"....
I'm bringing my guitar with me - going to practice. When I get back I'm getting together with a pianist friend to go over all my new songs to see which ones are really working. And then I have a gig a few days after that, with all new musicians (yikes!). I'm like the bellows - even pressure, steady as she goes, following through, getting to the other side, reaching my destination...

And I want a song published and a gig at a major festival!

Friday, July 16, 2010

seeing things differently

I think I've had a breakthrough - I was really feeling quite depressed and couldn't seem to pull myself out of it. That made me feel even worse, like something was wrong with me that maybe I was powerless over my emotions. So I decided to write it all down, all the things that were bothering me and all the issues I've been dealing with over the last two and a half months. Most people don't realize how the flood really has dragged on with so many of us for so long. A lot of people are losing their homes because they can't afford to rebuild. I was one of the lucky ones...
Anyway, I wrote it all down - it was a lot! There were many major issues that were clouding my head - so much has happened since May. And then when I finished writing out all the negative, I countered each issue with what was positive about it, how I'd learned, what to focus on instead of the pain or irritation. I did all this at 3:00 a.m. last night (I'm tired now though..)
I have a total of six typed pages - that's a lot of stuff!
So I'm ready to move on and start fresh. We're going on a week-long getaway to the beach, which will be great. And then when we get back my house will hopefully be finished. And school will be starting soon so hopefully my student roster will grow. So there's things to look forward to.
But I was thinking, through all the mess I've been through, the one thing I had to keep focusing on was my songwriting. I thought, if I hadn't been writing, I may have forgotten who I am and what I'm here to do. I could have gotten lost in the muck. It was like the little glimmer of light through all the darkness. So I'm grateful for music - it saved me! I have a whole new approach and outlook on life now. It's time to move on and start fresh. So I am..

I am keeping up with my list of things I want to accomplish:

I want to be offered a major gig as a singer/songwriter - either a European Jazz festival, a large club, opening for a major name artist, etc.
I want a major label artist to record one of my songs and release it as a single.
I want my songs placed in a major motion picture or TV show.
I want my songs to reach the #1 spot on the Billboard charts.

And of course, I want to be paid handsomely for all of the above so that I am truly living an abundant life.

I'm just saying...

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

following through

I realize why I'm having so many "issues" - first the flood, then my car problems, then seeing that my house was destroyed from previous water damage and termites, then finding out that the city knew about previous flooding but didn't inform me so I could have bought flood insurance. I feel like I'm constantly fighting - rather, standing up for myself and my rights, and what I believe to be right and fair. I just can't be silent anymore! I have kept repeating the affirmation "I deserve the best", thinking that would apply to my career and finances, that if I just kept repeating that I'd get a song cut or something. Well, I guess it will eventually, but I think when I affirm something, the Universe moves in to make it so...so if I truly believe I deserve the best, the universe gives me the opportunity to prove it. So I keep having to say "no, this isn't good enough, I deserve better". That applies to my relationships, my business transactions, how I'm treated, etc. I am continually writing letters to people lately saying that "this is not OK" and "I expect more". I just don't want to come across as complaining or whining...it's more about standing up for myself and what I deserve. I thought about Muhammed Ali who continually stated "I am the greatest", and then he'd have to fight to prove it - he'd get knocked down, and would be worn out, but would still have to get up and fight again - he had to stay strong no matter how tired or hurt he was. He kept affirming his belief in himself and it paid off. He was determined to come out on top. I think I'm doing that too - I'm just not willing to accept second-best (or less) anymore. I want the best and I'm going to keep stating that truth and following through. I can't say I deserve the best and then accept something less-than best or worse. I can't accept people taking advantage of me, selling me shoddy product, or thinking they can pull the wool over my eyes or hide the truth from me. I'm calling them on it! I hate being confrontational - maybe that's why this is so hard for me - I never spoke up before. And sometimes it takes something dramatic to move us into the place of "I'm not going to take it anymore"! And that's what's happened to me with the flood - it pushed me into a new, more outspoken place in my life. If I want the best in my career and finances, then I have to accept the best in my day-to-day life and prove to myself and the universe that I mean business. So, although it has been incredibly painful, stressful, and taking a huge amount of my creative energy (which sucks), I have to do it, I have to follow through on what I believe to be right and just and live "I deserve the best".

Oh, and here's what I want:

I want to be offered a major gig as a singer/songwriter - either a European Jazz festival, a large club, opening for a major name artist, etc.
I want a major label artist to record one of my songs and release it as a single.
I want my songs placed in a major motion picture or TV show.
I want my songs to reach the #1 spot on the Billboard charts.
And of course, I want to be paid handsomely for all of the above so that I am truly living an abundant life.

Following through stating my truth like Muhammed Ali...

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

prolific

I had a very prolific day yesterday - wrote lyrics to my new song and they just flowed. That was good! I wrote 2 verses and the chorus, so almost done. Then my co-writer and I finished the song we've been working on. I had to get back to my Source, my muse, the thing that keeps me ticking. It seems I just can't get out from under the "problems" or "challenges" lately - now my car is acting up and the house thing is never-ending. So I have to write, otherwise I'd go crazy! It's the thing at the center of my being, the who-I-am, that I have to get in touch with. Regular everyday life can be demanding and stressful at times, as it has been for me these last few months, so I have to remember who I am and what I'm here to do...I am a creative being living in a creative world.

Here's my statement to the universe again of what I want:

I want to be offered a major gig as a singer/songwriter - either a European Jazz festival, a large club, opening for a major name artist, etc.
I want a major label artist to record one of my songs and release it as a single.
I want my songs placed in a major motion picture or TV show.
I want my songs to reach the #1 spot on the Billboard charts.
And of course, I want to be paid handsomely for all of the above so that I am truly living an abundant life.

I will continue with my 30 day affirmations of this....not letting up! I deserve success, I deserve an abundant life earning my living doing what I love and expressing myself with who I am. I have to believe life is meant to be a joyful expression and that God/Source is supporting me in this endeavor, that Life is on my side working with me rather than against me.

Today lots of work I have to do on the house, not what I want to do but I must. But at least in the back of my mind I remember who I am...

Monday, July 12, 2010

new learning

Well, I discussed the European festival/marketing thing with my boyfriend. He's a successful and smart businessman, so I trust him for his advice. He thinks it's a waste of time and money, to send 300 items, which I have to get made up and spend money on, pay for shipping, and pay 50 euro to the festival people and I'm not even playing the fest. So he thinks it is only helping the festival people to look good to have goodie bags for their guests, but not beneficial to the artists who aren't playing it. I'm bummed because I get excited, that there's a break in the clouds that have seemed to hang over my career. He says I should invest that money here, either in town or in the U.S. to promote myself. So now I'm not sure what to do...

At church yesterday, the minister was speaking of creativity, and I have to remind myself again that I have access to creativity, which is Spiritual knowledge of course, in all things, not just in songwriting. I have access to the answers or direction to take in my career. I have to do the footwork, put one foot in front of the other, and not be dead-set on it being a certain way. It might lead me in a new, more satisfying direction. I keep thinking - am I meant to be a successful singer/songwriter? Maybe I'd be more happy as a business owner - I've always wanted to open a rehearsal studio or start my own music school, or even open a small restaurant. Not sure which direction I'm supposed to go. I'm just going to keep focusing on what I THINK I want and be open to other suggestions and directions from Spirit. I would like to have a hit song and write daily without having to worry about how I'm going to earn my living, and hustling, and all that. I know it's difficult to have a long-lasting career in the music business. But I'd like to have success even if I move on to something else later. I've put my whole life into this and I'd like to see it materialize. I can't give up now. But I'm willing to listen to my guidance and be open to other possibilities. I'm going to restate my wants:

I want to be offered a major gig as a singer/songwriter - either a European Jazz festival, a large club, opening for a major name artist, etc.
I want a major label artist to record one of my songs and release it as a single.
I want my songs placed in a major motion picture or TV show.
I want my songs to reach the #1 spot on the Billboard charts.
And of course, I want to be paid handsomely for all of the above so that I am truly living an abundant life.

Remember I said it takes 30 days for a new idea to take shape, at least mentally? So I'm still working on the 30 day thing....