behind schedule

Well,
I've really been lagging on my songwriting...I've been busy with wedding plans! There's so much to do, and this is a once-in-a-lifetime event, so I'm going for it. But I did meet with my co-writer last night and we tossed a few ideas around. But then we talked - I told him I noticed the difference between people who achieve their goals and those who don't. Whether is achieving a wanted relationship or career goal I saw the same characteristics - those who achieved what they wanted reached outside of their comfort zone and put their energy outwards. It's so easy to stay inside one's little bubble of safety, and then wonder why nothing ever happens. It takes risk to achieve success. And it also takes giving. I see people who reach out to others and give - what you give comes back two-fold (I hear)..I envisioned a bubble with a smile on it and two arms reaching out of the bubble. I realized I am not reaching out of my comfort zone when it comes to my songwriting. I'm actually putting very little energy into it lately for obvious reasons. But I'm at least getting some clarity. I know I must do the following:
Visualize what I want
Understand why I want it, not how I'm going to get it or why I haven't achieved it
Put energy into it by
songwriting regularly,
pitching regularly,
meeting new music business professionals, which may mean going outside my comfort zone and approaching them and speaking up
performing my original music in my band (outside the zone if we're unrehearsed)
paying money (going outside my comfort zone) to subscribe to online pitching services
be SEEN - that means marketing, on FaceBook, promoting this blog (which scares me to death since I expose lots of personal information), Myspace, etc.

I'm sure there's a million other things I can do, but I have to put energy into it and reach outside my little bubble. Then I must feel the joy of it and let go....I think that's a big one. I've been letting go a lot lately of the desperation I've felt for so long. Now I'm trying to revel in the joy of daily life - so happy with my mate and the love I have in my life. Yes, I still want success, but I'm not needing success as I once did. I still want to perform at a major festival in Europe, have a #1 hit single, have major label artists record my songs, and earn a bunch of money doing it. But for now, I'm just trying to have balance and joy daily. I will start to make more effort though with my songwriting because I want to see it move forward, but that means I must move forward....and so I will!

way behind schedule

Wow,
I took a week off to go on vacation and got engaged! Woohoo! But now I'm feeling completely swamped because we decided to get married before winter rather than wait 9 months until the weather's nice again in April. So I have a ton of things to do, which means I'm not writing! But I'm OK with it. I want to revel in this moment - this only happens once in a lifetime (for most people), and I want to cherish it and enjoy every moment. I've struggled with being a songwriter and my career for so long, for years and years - it has caused me much pleasure and much pain. I love it, but I don't want my career to be the only thing in my life that matters, I want to see the whole picture, where everything is in balance. And I think when I'm more balanced and more happy with my day-to-day life, I am able to write more efficiently because I'm not stressed, I'm not putting huge pressure on myself to create or perform. I can just BE. And in the long-run, life is about the MOMENT, joy is in the NOW. I think I've always said to myself "If I could be successful as a songwriter, or write daily, or be appreciated on a big-scale for what I contribute to life, THEN I'll be happy". But that puts pressure on myself and keeps happiness at arm's length. I want to enjoy life now, regardless if I'm a hit songwriter or not. I'm not justifying, I'm stating the truth - happiness is in the now. So I am happy now! I will try to make some time in between wedding planning to work on music. It is important for my soul to express its creativity. But creativity manifests in many forms - such as flower designs, invitations, etc. Today I will be happy - in the now!

happiness

I'm at the beach for a week-long vacation with my honey and I'm so happy. We're having so much fun just doing nothing, reading books, napping on the sand, walking around - just being together. It's great being in love! But it makes me wonder about the importance I put on my music and songwriting career. When I'm home, it seems to be all I think about and how I "need" it to fulfill my life. As soon as I'm away from it, the pressure is off. Of course, I know it's still in the back of my mind, vacations are temporary things that you allow yourself to let go for a week or so. I still want the success - it's an inner thing, a fulfillment of my soul. But when we're children, we're happy, even before we've accomplished a single thing or written a song or whatever. Happiness is just a state of being. And being on vacation at the beach with my love is a state of being. All that stuff, that weight, is lifted. Isn't that why adults get so miserable in their lives, from the weight of existence? Too many responsibilities and unfulfilled desires and pressure. Isn't our natural state, without all the other stuff, happy? And isn't all that other stuff all made up? It's all in our mind, right? It's my mind telling me "I need this, I have to do that, I must live up to so-and-so, I feel guilty for not taking care of that person's needs", etc. The mind can be enemy or friend. So vacations are great for getting back to basics, for remembering our natural state of joy. Of enjoying the simple things in life: an ocean breeze, a good book, a nice meal eaten leisurely. What will happen when I get home? Will I immediately go back to worry and what's wrong and why has success alluded me? All that mental battering....I'll just try to remember the simple things of what really matters....

And yes, I still want my songs heard on radio world-wide, and a large festival gig, and a #1 song on the Billboard charts....but for now, I'm happy without those things...

beach

We're leaving today for a week at the beach. I've had a cleansing so to speak - went through hell and now I'm moving on. The house is still not finished and still has a long way to go, but that's OK, it'll be better when we get back. It's funny because we went on our dream vacation to Italy in April, and I thought it was symbolic being Easter and all - I thought I'd be reborn so to speak and have a new beginning when we returned. And I guess that's what God had in mind too! I definitely have a new beginning and new outlook on things, just had to get squeezed through a small tight opening into the other side. It's funny, I use the analogy of a bellows, the old-fashioned thing you use to fan a fire, in my voice lessons. I explain that a singer must apply a lot of pressure through a narrow opening and have it focused and strong and supported. The note must be able to travel across the room and reach its destination, as if it had a propeller on the back-side of it, moving it forward. And so it is with life. In order to get to where I want to be, I have to use energy and focus that energy. Sometimes it seems difficult and it gets tiring, but with enough practice, it eventually gets easier. I like the quote "when you're going through hell, keep on going"....
I'm bringing my guitar with me - going to practice. When I get back I'm getting together with a pianist friend to go over all my new songs to see which ones are really working. And then I have a gig a few days after that, with all new musicians (yikes!). I'm like the bellows - even pressure, steady as she goes, following through, getting to the other side, reaching my destination...

And I want a song published and a gig at a major festival!

seeing things differently

I think I've had a breakthrough - I was really feeling quite depressed and couldn't seem to pull myself out of it. That made me feel even worse, like something was wrong with me that maybe I was powerless over my emotions. So I decided to write it all down, all the things that were bothering me and all the issues I've been dealing with over the last two and a half months. Most people don't realize how the flood really has dragged on with so many of us for so long. A lot of people are losing their homes because they can't afford to rebuild. I was one of the lucky ones...
Anyway, I wrote it all down - it was a lot! There were many major issues that were clouding my head - so much has happened since May. And then when I finished writing out all the negative, I countered each issue with what was positive about it, how I'd learned, what to focus on instead of the pain or irritation. I did all this at 3:00 a.m. last night (I'm tired now though..)
I have a total of six typed pages - that's a lot of stuff!
So I'm ready to move on and start fresh. We're going on a week-long getaway to the beach, which will be great. And then when we get back my house will hopefully be finished. And school will be starting soon so hopefully my student roster will grow. So there's things to look forward to.
But I was thinking, through all the mess I've been through, the one thing I had to keep focusing on was my songwriting. I thought, if I hadn't been writing, I may have forgotten who I am and what I'm here to do. I could have gotten lost in the muck. It was like the little glimmer of light through all the darkness. So I'm grateful for music - it saved me! I have a whole new approach and outlook on life now. It's time to move on and start fresh. So I am..

I am keeping up with my list of things I want to accomplish:

I want to be offered a major gig as a singer/songwriter - either a European Jazz festival, a large club, opening for a major name artist, etc.
I want a major label artist to record one of my songs and release it as a single.
I want my songs placed in a major motion picture or TV show.
I want my songs to reach the #1 spot on the Billboard charts.

And of course, I want to be paid handsomely for all of the above so that I am truly living an abundant life.

I'm just saying...

following through

I realize why I'm having so many "issues" - first the flood, then my car problems, then seeing that my house was destroyed from previous water damage and termites, then finding out that the city knew about previous flooding but didn't inform me so I could have bought flood insurance. I feel like I'm constantly fighting - rather, standing up for myself and my rights, and what I believe to be right and fair. I just can't be silent anymore! I have kept repeating the affirmation "I deserve the best", thinking that would apply to my career and finances, that if I just kept repeating that I'd get a song cut or something. Well, I guess it will eventually, but I think when I affirm something, the Universe moves in to make it so...so if I truly believe I deserve the best, the universe gives me the opportunity to prove it. So I keep having to say "no, this isn't good enough, I deserve better". That applies to my relationships, my business transactions, how I'm treated, etc. I am continually writing letters to people lately saying that "this is not OK" and "I expect more". I just don't want to come across as complaining or whining...it's more about standing up for myself and what I deserve. I thought about Muhammed Ali who continually stated "I am the greatest", and then he'd have to fight to prove it - he'd get knocked down, and would be worn out, but would still have to get up and fight again - he had to stay strong no matter how tired or hurt he was. He kept affirming his belief in himself and it paid off. He was determined to come out on top. I think I'm doing that too - I'm just not willing to accept second-best (or less) anymore. I want the best and I'm going to keep stating that truth and following through. I can't say I deserve the best and then accept something less-than best or worse. I can't accept people taking advantage of me, selling me shoddy product, or thinking they can pull the wool over my eyes or hide the truth from me. I'm calling them on it! I hate being confrontational - maybe that's why this is so hard for me - I never spoke up before. And sometimes it takes something dramatic to move us into the place of "I'm not going to take it anymore"! And that's what's happened to me with the flood - it pushed me into a new, more outspoken place in my life. If I want the best in my career and finances, then I have to accept the best in my day-to-day life and prove to myself and the universe that I mean business. So, although it has been incredibly painful, stressful, and taking a huge amount of my creative energy (which sucks), I have to do it, I have to follow through on what I believe to be right and just and live "I deserve the best".

Oh, and here's what I want:

I want to be offered a major gig as a singer/songwriter - either a European Jazz festival, a large club, opening for a major name artist, etc.
I want a major label artist to record one of my songs and release it as a single.
I want my songs placed in a major motion picture or TV show.
I want my songs to reach the #1 spot on the Billboard charts.
And of course, I want to be paid handsomely for all of the above so that I am truly living an abundant life.

Following through stating my truth like Muhammed Ali...

prolific

I had a very prolific day yesterday - wrote lyrics to my new song and they just flowed. That was good! I wrote 2 verses and the chorus, so almost done. Then my co-writer and I finished the song we've been working on. I had to get back to my Source, my muse, the thing that keeps me ticking. It seems I just can't get out from under the "problems" or "challenges" lately - now my car is acting up and the house thing is never-ending. So I have to write, otherwise I'd go crazy! It's the thing at the center of my being, the who-I-am, that I have to get in touch with. Regular everyday life can be demanding and stressful at times, as it has been for me these last few months, so I have to remember who I am and what I'm here to do...I am a creative being living in a creative world.

Here's my statement to the universe again of what I want:

I want to be offered a major gig as a singer/songwriter - either a European Jazz festival, a large club, opening for a major name artist, etc.
I want a major label artist to record one of my songs and release it as a single.
I want my songs placed in a major motion picture or TV show.
I want my songs to reach the #1 spot on the Billboard charts.
And of course, I want to be paid handsomely for all of the above so that I am truly living an abundant life.

I will continue with my 30 day affirmations of this....not letting up! I deserve success, I deserve an abundant life earning my living doing what I love and expressing myself with who I am. I have to believe life is meant to be a joyful expression and that God/Source is supporting me in this endeavor, that Life is on my side working with me rather than against me.

Today lots of work I have to do on the house, not what I want to do but I must. But at least in the back of my mind I remember who I am...