Well, I had my audition for "Hit Makers" yesterday -stood in the 90 degree heat for 6 hours. When I went in the the audition room, they asked for my name and age and the name of the song. They also asked if I always sing to tracks, and I said no, that I write on piano but like to sing to tracks. I knew they wanted people who can perform live with piano or guitar, so that might have been one of the reasons I didn't get a callback. My voice didn't sound great, kind of raspy, probably because I was so extremely hot and hadn't drank much water, trying to avoid going to the bathroom because there was a long line. But anyway, I thought I did a good job auditioning despite the vocal issues. They only asked for a chorus and cut me off right after the chorus ended, so probably sang for 20 seconds, very short. I thought for sure I'd get a callback, I really believe in myself as a songwriter and I'm completely available to travel for 6 weeks to do the show. When I didn't get the call by 9 p.m. when they said they'd call, I got very depressed. Music and songwriting is such a hard, long road. It gets completely discouraging. It's not like I cared so much about this particular event, a TV show, it's just that when you work and work and struggle and try to stay positive, and do all the inner-work of working through my own "stuff", that it gets very discouraging to never get even a little bite of success. Years and years of nothing...To never get approval or even the slightest hope of something better is almost unbearable at times. I'm sure I'll pick myself up and start again, but I feel really low today, starting to wonder if it will ever happen for me. I wonder if my age had something to do with not getting called back, which is also very discouraging to think that I'm over the hill and won't have a shot at my dream - ever....I know I'm being negative, but it's what I feel right now.
What a hard three weeks it's been - first my house destroyed in the flood, then my family turning their backs on me in my time of need, now this. I guess that's three - so hopefully that's the end of the heart-break. I'll try to write something more uplifting next time, but today, reality has set in. I have a gig tonight - first one in 6 months, so hopefully that will make me feel better. It's hard to perform when my heart is hurting, but the show must go on!
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