getting serious

OK, I'm sick of struggling - my car cost my $1300 yesterday to get the air conditioner fixed. I only paid $6500 for the car and was hoping it would be a good deal...so my boyfriend and I had a long talk last night. If I want to be successful I've just got to work harder, be more structured, and actually treat this career as a job. No more going out to lunch with my friends, spending money on clothes, talking on the phone for hours each day. I'm really sinking financially lately and have to tighten up in every regard. I have to be ready to work each day at a reasonable hour and cross things off of my list. I know I've said that there's no clear-cut path in this business. I don't know that the work I do will bring any returns. I could spend the next 10 years of my life struggling no matter how hard I work. And it's hard, because I've already spent 20 years of my life struggling in this business. Why do I keep trying? I've been thrown off that horse so many times, I can't even count them. I feel like I'm on all fours pulling myself with my hands. That's the life of a songwriter. Glamorous huh? Not really. I just keep batting around in the dark, like it's a pinata and at some point I've got to hit it and get the candy inside. It's just that someone keeps yanking it up, so I just keep swinging. I can't give it up now - I've got nothing else. I just don't want another day job...it's not the jobs I hate, it's usually the bosses. Sick of people standing over me telling me what to do. I want to be my own boss, but that will require a LOT of effort. To be self-employed requires diligence, and I must get better at marketing. That's always a musicians greatest fear is to market - I hate it. I don't want to call people up and sell myself. I always feel like I'm begging. I guess that's the wrong approach to take. Gonna have to pull myself up by my bootstraps and walk on...