back in business

Well,
So I had a disappointing few weeks, with a major disappointment not getting on the songwriting TV show. But life must go on. So I'm back to writing. I have 6 songs with no lyrics, since I was trying to write as many musical ideas as possible. So I've got a lot of work to do. Lyrics can be intimidating for me - sometimes they flow, sometimes I struggle for days. Especially if the song is of a personal, emotional nature -sometimes it's hard for me to pin down my feelings in a way that is clearly understood by the listener. So many songs on the radio are NOT clearly understood, so I guess it's not imperative that the listener know what the heck is going on, but I like to try my best so that other people can relate to what I'm feeling. Isn't that what we're supposed to do as creative people is move other people's emotions, get them to think and feel? Or is it art for art's sake - just write for the pure pleasure of writing, regardless if anyone else "gets it"? I think it should be both - write for the pleasure and expression of my soul, and try to stretch into someone else's emotional boundaries a bit and get them to feel it too, if possible. Does that make sense? As if we all have a little bubble of emotion surrounding us, and those bubbles can collide or cross or become inter-twined with each other. So that for a split second, or 3 and 1/2 minutes to be precise, we can feel exactly the same way and understand each other. So music can bring our souls together by way of understanding each other. We can express through each other's joy and pain. How many times have I heard someone say they sent a song to someone to express what they wanted to say? Someone I know got divorced and sent Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me" to his ex. I've sent songs to ex-boyfriends that said what I could not. So the songwriter can be the spokesperson for the soul, and not just the writer's soul, but humanity's soul. Wow, that's big. Makes me want to keep writing! Can't give up - never give up! I guess being a songwriter is a pretty lofty aspiration after all...

No Call back

Well, I had my audition for "Hit Makers" yesterday -stood in the 90 degree heat for 6 hours. When I went in the the audition room, they asked for my name and age and the name of the song. They also asked if I always sing to tracks, and I said no, that I write on piano but like to sing to tracks. I knew they wanted people who can perform live with piano or guitar, so that might have been one of the reasons I didn't get a callback. My voice didn't sound great, kind of raspy, probably because I was so extremely hot and hadn't drank much water, trying to avoid going to the bathroom because there was a long line. But anyway, I thought I did a good job auditioning despite the vocal issues. They only asked for a chorus and cut me off right after the chorus ended, so probably sang for 20 seconds, very short. I thought for sure I'd get a callback, I really believe in myself as a songwriter and I'm completely available to travel for 6 weeks to do the show. When I didn't get the call by 9 p.m. when they said they'd call, I got very depressed. Music and songwriting is such a hard, long road. It gets completely discouraging. It's not like I cared so much about this particular event, a TV show, it's just that when you work and work and struggle and try to stay positive, and do all the inner-work of working through my own "stuff", that it gets very discouraging to never get even a little bite of success. Years and years of nothing...To never get approval or even the slightest hope of something better is almost unbearable at times. I'm sure I'll pick myself up and start again, but I feel really low today, starting to wonder if it will ever happen for me. I wonder if my age had something to do with not getting called back, which is also very discouraging to think that I'm over the hill and won't have a shot at my dream - ever....I know I'm being negative, but it's what I feel right now.
What a hard three weeks it's been - first my house destroyed in the flood, then my family turning their backs on me in my time of need, now this. I guess that's three - so hopefully that's the end of the heart-break. I'll try to write something more uplifting next time, but today, reality has set in. I have a gig tonight - first one in 6 months, so hopefully that will make me feel better. It's hard to perform when my heart is hurting, but the show must go on!

co-writes

I wrote with my co-writer yesterday after two weeks off. We finished our song! It flowed so effortlessly and was fun! The song is very cute, catchy, and uplifting. We're both happy with it and have decided to keep writing together regularly. We have made a commitment and we're sticking to it.
I like writing with someone else - I tend to write about different topics than I would on my own. My own lyrics tend to be of a personal nature, what I'm going through at the time. But when I write with someone else the lyrics are more fictional and story-based, with more visual references. So I like that.
If I don't make the call-backs to the TV show, I'm going to present my musical ideas I wrote to my co-writer so the songs can be finished. I'd write only music if I had the choice, but I know I have things to say and that I should express them through my songs. Music just comes more naturally to me.
Anyway, slowly recovering, working through the debris of the flood and my life. Starting to rebuild...

writing again

Yesterday I woke up with a beautiful melody in my head, so I went straight to my studio and recorded it into my mini-disc. Then later I added the chords - really pretty music. It fit my mood - the flood, new rain, and all the hurt I've gone through this past week. It's great being able to filter that energy into writing music...eases the soul!
Later yesterday I wrote a few lyrical ideas - I'd like to try to finish some of the songs I've written lately by adding lyrics to them. Lyrics take me significantly longer to write than the music, sometimes days. I've co-written with other people before, which makes it easier, but if the song is one of a personal nature, it makes no sense to co-write with someone else. I have to write what I feel in my heart and soul, even if it takes days for me to get it right. And I'd love every song to be a commercial hit of course, but some songs may not be that - they may not make sense to everyone out there because it is my experience. Seems there are a lot of alternative rock songs I completely don't understand - I guess understandable lyrics apply to certain genres but not others. Remember "wrapped up like a deuce"? I never knew what the lyrics were to that song until about 20 years later. Country music of course must be very clearly stated. I'll do the best I can, but I'm not going to spend weeks on writing lyrics to a song when I'd rather write more music. Besides, it is art isn't it...? And isn't art about expressing one's soul, not necessarily on making money or identifying with everyone else, it's about expressing who I am. It's my gift to share, regardless if anyone identifies with it or not.
Hard to find the time to do both daily - maybe someday when I don't have to work at all..
I'm off today, so I will try to work on my lyrics again today.

getting back to business

Well,
I'm still reeling from all the drama of last week. Have a couple of loose ends to deal with. I had major discussions with several people in my life which brought me closer to them. AND I got what I wanted to convey out into the world: I deserve better than this! I've lost some people from my life too - some people I just had to cut loose when I saw their true colors. Oh well, better to find out now...It hurts, but I have to move on.
So now I am moving on with my music. Today I have nothing scheduled except music. Yeah! I'm back in business! I woke up with several song ideas, which I will work on today. I also have a "coffee house" performance (small acoustic showcase) coming up in 3 weeks - which I haven't even started organizing yet!! I have no ideas which songs I will do or which musicians will play on it. I don't really have money to hire people right now, but I want it to sound good! So not sure what to do about that..
I also have lots of little things to do before my jam gig next week - send out an email to my fans, check the keys to all my cover songs, send out a photo to the club. But I've got time so I'm going to set a schedule for myself today so I can get it all done. First priority is writing.
Seems I always put writing at the end of the list - It's hard for me to write with things hanging over my head. But I've taken a whole week off, or more, so I've got to put it first. And all the song ideas I've written for the audition I need to put some lyrics to. One song in particular is really good and catchy and I want to perform it at my coffee house show, so I've got to get it together! Lots to do today!
I still feel pained from so much heart-ache last week, but I know music can heal my soul. So I have to get back to that which feeds me...

still dealing with the aftermath

Yes, it's true - I'm still an emotional mess. I've cried everyday for the last week and a half. Feeling terrible about all the emotional drama that's been going on, and there's still more to come. I'm cleaning house - for the first time in my life I'm saying "I deserve better than this!" - and meaning it and sticking to it. I feel stronger than I've ever felt, but I also feel in a lot of pain. It's hard to clear away people from your life if you love them, but sometimes it must be done in order to make room for healthier people who know how to show love and respect. If I can't get love and respect from the people closest to me, how am I going to get it from business associates, fans, record companies, co-writers, etc? I have to apply that principle to all aspects of my life, especially to those closest to me. It sets an example in my heart and says "this is the standard to live by". What I accept is what I deserve - if I allow myself to take the crumbs off the bottom of the barrel, then I part of me is stating that that's all I deserve. It sometimes takes something great or tragic, like a great flood, to reveal those things to a person. They revealed it to me because I saw the true colors of those closest to me. I received much love from so many people, and no love from others. It was a painful lesson to learn. But I know where I stand with myself, who I am, and what I am willing to accept. That is my great lesson. Let's hope it filters down into other areas of my life, especially my career - that I deserve the best and that I deserve to earn great income from who I am, because I am proud of who I am and how I express myself....
Wow, I got really deep huh? Maybe tomorrow I'll write about songwriting for a change...
BTW, I did practice my tunes for the audition, sang my blues cover tunes for the gig coming up, and practiced piano for 30 minutes today. And yesterday I wrote a B section to my latest song. So I did do some career work!

following up - more drama!

Wow, when you go through a major disaster and crisis, you certainly find out who your friends are! I've gone through so much drama and emotional pain the last week - but most of it as a result of the lack of support from certain people. Losing your house is one thing, but finding out that you can't depend on the people you thought you could depend on is quite another. And because of all the emotional drama I've been going through, I still am not writing. I have been practicing my song ideas, trying to be prepared for the audition. And I'm taking charge of my band, taking the lead in organizing the rehearsal and sending out the materials in advance so the band can be ready. I learned to never give someone else the power in my career or my songs..I have to know how to direct a band, write charts, be a good business person and band leader, in addition to being prepared as a vocalist. So many things on the plate of a musician, especially a band leader. Musicians, unfortunately, can be very flaky, so I can't trust them to follow through - I have to do it.
So even if I'm not particularly creative these last few days, I am working on music in other ways. And I actually believe working through "issues", releases blocks to my success and/or creativity somewhere down the road. Let's see if releasing certain people and old behaviors and patterns affects my career..let's see if I get that hit for finally telling myself I deserve the best life has to offer in every aspect!!